The idea of this possibly being the last time I ever live with my parents is not so much frightening as it is tragic. The people I've been so close to in proximity if not always in heart for the past 23 years have pushed me away without I think even realising it. Their weapons of abuse and psychological mind games. Some would argue it has been intentional but I cannot believe that. If I did I would never have peace.
The idea of finishing this chapter of what may likely be a third of my life under such circumstances, I resent. Perhaps that is natural. Afterall, everybody leaves home at some point. But my parents were often my everything. Growing up an only child they became my friends aswell as family.
I have no doubt that it is infact me, my sensetivity that causes the problems I have with my family or indeed the extent of them. If I could just ignore their comments or switch off to their arguing and the atmosphere, my life there would be great. I have always been spoilt and I know my parents love me. But in recent years with my mental decline I just can't handle it anymore. Nor should I, as I have realised of late, had to. Nor do I need to. And so I leave. And so I fly the nest.
I embrace the independence, I have always saught out let alone thrived on fending for myself and adventure. From moving abroad to travelling Europe and America solo. It gave me a buzz not fear.
But where is my buzz now. Where is my joy? Is it my depression numbing me, or is something not quite right? I like the idea of moving out with a friend before ever living with a partner. I didn't move away for university. I didn't get the sisterhood I experienced through friends university life or indeed siblings. So for me it is okay that i cannot afford to live on my own right now. I want to leave home; not be alone.
I have chosen my perfectly pretty furniture and art. Conciously or subconcioaly, completely different from what i chose for my parents home. White and natural, clean and simple is replacing the french, bold, black and gothic. I have spent a small forture so that the materialistic things can provide me with the comfort i have lost from family. For material things can give me pleasure. Knowing this i indulge far too often for my means.
Things are changing. I am trying to change.
