I'll be home for Christmas

My first Christmas tree.
£5
Baubles
£100
Festive warm feeling
Priceless

Annabel

You can define generosity as nobility of mind, willingness to give or share; unselfishness. I think when spoken of, generally people think in monetary terms. I have enough money to get the things I need and most of the things I want, and for that I count myself as fortunate, but also credit the fact I work hard. I don’t need people to buy me things, and I have always felt uncomfortable with it. I have just become comfortable with accepting gifts, solely because as I’ve learnt to look at it as an excuse to give them back. I like giving gifts, something somebody will love and will mean something, or something random and silly just to evoke a smile. It is the things money can’t buy that keep me seign, that I want from you, and that I appreciate in people, because I know the best things money can‘t buy. I appreciate generosity in terms of somebody giving somebody else the time of day, when perhaps they don’t even know them. It’s about taking a chance on a person and being open. Giving them the oppertunity to earn your trust. Taking a leap. It is their generosity gives me faith.

The bible reads 'Do unto others as you would have others do unto you'. While i am not religious i agree fully and think the world would be a better place if this was considered. In theory it is so simple and surely the easiest thing to follow. But I don’t think everybody is capable of this. There are too many people shitting on other people. And I just don’t know what makes them think that they have the right. In my life experience, all 23 years of it, it is those who are actually nobody striving to be somebody that think they are better than everybody else and are the worst kind of people.

I am blessed with many friends, those who I love are amazing people, people I respect for that reason, and aren‘t necessarily those who I am closest to but indeed they are those that I think highly of. I have friends everywhere. I network as I have an interest in people, cultures and lifestyles, i suppose it is paired with my travel bug. It’s not in a grotesque fake sort of way; for any advancement, that idea kills me, but I will admit that sometimes I tolerate some people and have no idea why. I do take chances, I figure i have nothing to lose and a lot to gain and I’m happy to say that sometimes people take a chance on me. I have friends who are deemed as celebrity’s who are more human than people I know who are nothing but think they are everything. Now surely these who are targeted and criticised, who have more reason to not take chances, and not to trust; after all they are exceptional people, not that they will admit it and that is the key. They don't get caught up in the bullshit of life. And I find them some of the most open and generous and loyal people I have ever known. Perhaps I have just got the very best of the bunch, but in any case I am grateful because they are my bunch.

For these reasoning’s, for these types, for these personality disorder, I regret that I always think more of the one and less of the other. I will let some close and keep others at a distance. Not that they probably care, or appreciate that fact or my opinion. But I think the fact I recognise the differences and indeed care about them is a good thing, for me and the people I care about. You should take a chance on somebody and be sincere, you will be rewarded.

If you are going to steal my soul

... then give it some soul.

I read an article on the BBC news website this week that got me excited.

A group who call themselves The Impossible Project are trying to reinvent analogue instant film made so popular by Polaroid in the 1960s and 70's.

I have always had an interest in photography that inevitably stemmed from my lifelong passion for art. I am not an artist, by any means, but art is my passion. I think in a lot of ways it is better than it being my hobby. Don't get me wrong, I wish i could create magnificent things or capture a mood perfectly and i envy and appreciate all those who do. I resent the fact i cannot find a course whereby you don't create and just appreciate. Because that i would love. But if i could create then i am not sure i would find it all so special.

I don't own the most top of the range digital camera, in fact i rely solely on my mobile phone for such pictures. I appreciate instant photography. I am a lover of Polaroid, how raw they are; their beautiful imperfection. Inspired by gritty results that remind me of the work of artists Nan Goldin and Tracey Emin among others who i admire and if my writing here you can relate to in any way i suggest you check out. I also think the work of Tim Walker is just fabulous. I am seduced by the colour themes and vintage undertones and i lose myself in his picture of dreams and everything i want to be. I have always liked things stripped down, and appreciate beauty in every sense. If something is raw and emotive it makes me feel. It captures me, my heart and my soul. I have took pictures of myself crying since i was a teenager. I like the idea of capturing something so real in the moment. Something honest and with feeling and not a fake replayed smile with dead eyes. To me that is beauty over a symmetrical face and good bone structure.

Dont confront me with my failures; I had not forgotten them.

Dont confront me with my failures; I had not forgotten them. - Jackson Browne

The lyric embedded into my heart.

Do you know yourself? I always thought I knew who I was. I’ve always tried to be nice to everyone, considerate and honest. Honesty in others being something I value so highly. But some people just don’t like me, who I am, and ‘what I do‘. It throws me to be honest, I get taken aback and every single time scarred by it. It makes me doubt myself because I can’t understand where they’re coming from , the extremity if it and how they can be so unforgiving. Doubting yourself is so alienating it’s unbearable. If you can’t be sure of yourself what can you be sure of? I’m not perfect; we all make mistakes, but I’d like to think that I’m a good person.

More than anything I hate conflict. I hate falling out with people. It unsettles my soul. I have this curse of wanting everybody to like me. And I wish I didn’t care. But I have lost friends. I have lost all my best friends. For those who know you best to no longer want you in their life hurts beyond words. Realising I don't have a best friend now makes me feel so alone. Loneliness for me is extremely hard. It’s one huge factor of my depression I think.

I am currently on the sick with depression. I’ve been on Citalopram for a few months now and today I have decided I am coming off them. I need to know how I feel, I need to be me again, and not always wonder when I’m emotional, if it’s me or the tablets. I want things to be real. I should have done this long before now but I’ve decided I’m spring cleaning my life; my surroundings, my body, my mind and my friends. I have to for the sake of my sanity.

These are a few of my favourite things.

Sunsets - Art - The beach - My boyfriend - Poetry - Yves St Laurent - Sunny days - Looking at the sky- Love - Starry nights - Music - Travelling - Hope - Dreaming - My parents - Cute notebooks - Sunglasses - Lists - Post Its - Journals - Clarins - Filofax Organiser - Urban Decay - Film - Instant photography - Perfume - My dog - French Décor - Four Poster Beds - Fashion - Family - Trust - Los Angeles - Shopping - Friends - Cushions - Sex - Pizza- Hotel stays - War history - My laptop - Fashion - Eating out - Champagne - Theatre - Bento - Cold Lager - Chilli’s - The song of birds - Faith - Dance - MAC

And I melt.

Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person.

Sunday afternoon, having fallen asleep in your arms. I wake up and adjust to my surroundings. The automatic comfort I get from your presence blankets me. I am blessed. Then I realise something that is so beautiful to me. I'm holding your hand. We're holding hands. Side by side, on our backs, our hands by our sides, my hand holding yours; your hand holding mine. Our fingers locked. And I melt.