Dont confront me with my failures; I had not forgotten them. - Jackson Browne
The lyric embedded into my heart.
Do you know yourself? I always thought I knew who I was. I’ve always tried to be nice to everyone, considerate and honest. Honesty in others being something I value so highly. But some people just don’t like me, who I am, and ‘what I do‘. It throws me to be honest, I get taken aback and every single time scarred by it. It makes me doubt myself because I can’t understand where they’re coming from , the extremity if it and how they can be so unforgiving. Doubting yourself is so alienating it’s unbearable. If you can’t be sure of yourself what can you be sure of? I’m not perfect; we all make mistakes, but I’d like to think that I’m a good person.
More than anything I hate conflict. I hate falling out with people. It unsettles my soul. I have this curse of wanting everybody to like me. And I wish I didn’t care. But I have lost friends. I have lost all my best friends. For those who know you best to no longer want you in their life hurts beyond words. Realising I don't have a best friend now makes me feel so alone. Loneliness for me is extremely hard. It’s one huge factor of my depression I think.
I am currently on the sick with depression. I’ve been on Citalopram for a few months now and today I have decided I am coming off them. I need to know how I feel, I need to be me again, and not always wonder when I’m emotional, if it’s me or the tablets. I want things to be real. I should have done this long before now but I’ve decided I’m spring cleaning my life; my surroundings, my body, my mind and my friends. I have to for the sake of my sanity.
You've pretty much summed up how I've been feeling... Quite strange really. It's a good thing to come off the Citalopram though - they can do strange things to you. Just watch the coming down period when you first stop them, it can be pretty frightening, to both you and others.
ReplyDeleteI made a choice to change my life a short while ago too, starting not only with my job, but my health and general wellbeing, some of the best decisions I ever made. And the friends I lost? They lost out on more than I have. Live your life for you - not for others, and you'll reap the rewards.